The Archfornicator of Canterbury

12 Let's go, Hi-Ho

Jebediah Peterson had been working for the Royal National Herald since the current King wore nappies. Rumor had it that this wouldn't have necessarily meant a period of time longer than since last Saturday, but in Jebediah's case, it actually meant a few decades. He was a hard-boiled news reporter who could smell a story miles away. He could also smell a whisky bottle miles away, which explained much of the rosy hue on his quite impressive-sized nose. Of course, whisky bottles in Bulimia tended to be refilled with fermented yak's milk, but Jebediah was usually not too fussy about his drink, as long as it contained at least the minimum percentage of alcohol by volume specified in the Newspapermen's Union's ethical guidelines.

Heihachiro Tanimoto, on the other hand, had only been working for the media for a few months. He was fresh out of the Royal School of Photography, and this was his first job. When the position of news photographer at the Royal National Herald became vacant, everyone in his class applied. Heihachiro guessed he got the job because his portfolio had more pictures of naked women than everyone else's portfolios combined. Artfully depicted, of course. Even though pornography was strictly forbidden in Bulimia, there was a certain market for "art" photographs that just happened to celebrate the beauty of the female form. Heihachiro funded his way through photography school by catering to this niche market. It didn't hurt that he was also occasionally able to secure a date with one of the models.

Heihachiro, or Hi-ho, as his friends called him, had erected his tripod near the Western end of King Square and had already shot a roll of film, when the explosion knocked him and his camera over. It took him a few moments to register what had happened, but he was back up taking photos within seconds. Jebediah, who had also been thrown to the ground by the pressure wave, got back up on his feet with a bewildered look on his face.

"Jesus Christ Kennedy on a pogo stick boy. What happened."

"It looks like someone just blew up the Cathedral."

Hi-Ho pointed at the opposite end of the square. Where the Cathedral of Nuevo Saunabad stood only moments ago was now only a pile of rubble and a slowly settling cloud of dust.

"Hot damn. Where the Hell is our Air Force. It must have been a Lobotomian bomber."

"Lobotomia does not have bombers."

"It was them damn Lobbies anyway. If I was back in my old unit I would let them have it right now."

"I didn't know you were in the Army Jeb."

"Army. Bah. Sergeant Jebediah T. Peterson of the Royal Bulimian Air Force at your service."

"When did you serve."

"Some time ago. You weren't born. Come to think of it your father probably wasn't either. But that doesn't matter. We should nuke those damn Lobbies for what they did."

"We don't have nukes."

"That's what they want you to think. I have it from a reliable source that Mount Malafya is actually completely hollow and full of nuke parts just waiting to be assembled and put into use. Those Lobbies don't know what's in store for them."

"Last week you said Mount Malafya was full of submarine parts. Which would make even less sense in a landlocked country."

"Don't get smart with me boy. Just keep taking them photos."

Hi-Ho knew when to stop and resumed his photographic efforts. Somewhere in the distance a loud siren was fast approaching the square.

The Archfornicator of Canterbury by Olli-Pekka Rinta-Koski
is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.