The Archfornicator of Canterbury

6 The Cathedral of Nuevo Saunabad

Bulimians liked to think of themselves as a religious people. In a questionnaire handed out by the Ministry of Census and Demagogy, most of those who bothered to return the form ticked the box that said "I attend church on a regular basis", even though few of them actually had ever been inside a church, and many didn't even know what a church was. In spite of this, it would not be fair to accuse Bulimians of lying. The fact that most Bulimians claimed to attend church often when in fact they did not had a lot to do with the fact that very few of them, especially in rural areas, had ever learned to read. Statisticians at the Ministry of Census and Demagogy had designed the census form to resemble a lottery coupon on purpose, in the hope that they would get at least a few people to take a second look at it. Hence, most Bulimians filled the census form in the vain hope of winning the lottery, ticking boxes just as haphazardly as they would if it in fact had been an actual lottery coupon. Their chances were much the same.

The Archbishop of Bulimia, Intardo Musilicus, was not oblivious to all this. In fact, he much preferred that very few attended his church on Sundays, seeing as he usually took Sundays off to go fishing. As a young priest attending the Seminary, he had had visions of leading the people of Bulimia to salvation by showing them the path of the righteous. As soon as the drugs wore off, however, he realised that this might prove tricky to do and that in fact he did not care one way or the other. His main reasons for becoming a priest were that he thought the pay was good (it wasn't) and that he'd get free clothes (he did).

Why Intardo Musilicus became an Archbishop had little to do with a generous clothing allowance. The main factor was that there wasn't too much competition, as all the other priests of his generation had either died of an overdose or been defrocked for getting caught in the act of sexual congress with barnyard animals. In fact, it was usually Intardo who dobbed them in. He justified this to himself by thinking that it was the only way he could cover his own tracks, and better them than him.

Intardo Musilicus played the shepherd to his flock, such as it was, at the Cathedral of Nuevo Saunabad. Like the Royal Palace, the Cathedral had seen better days, although it was still an impressive display of Bulimian craftsmen's skill from the days long since gone when the craftsmen hadn't yet figured out how to ferment the milk of a yak. The spire of the cathedral that pointed towards the heavens reached an impressive height of almost a hundred meters. Just below the spire, a clock told the official time for the townspeople. A bell chimed every fifteen minutes. Inside, the Cathedral was as impressive as its granite walls would let one to expect. Intricate glass paintings filtered the light shining in through the windows, so that plain sunlight was transformed into bright shades of red, blue, yellow and green. The pews and the pulpit were made of Brazilian rosewood. The massive altar that dominated the front of the Cathedral was made of black marble. Above the altar was a huge oil painting depicting a yak herder defending his yaks from approaching werewolves. The opposite end of the Cathedral was taken up by a massive pipe organ.

The Cathedral stood at the Eastern end of the King Square, so that the last rays of the setting sun would bathe it in heavenly light. That had been the plan, anyway, up until someone noticed that the Western end of the square was taken up by a five-storey building housing the Ministry of Porn and Propaganda. The Cathedral was built according to the original plan anyway, and while very little heavenly light fell on it at sunset, it was still a very nice building to look at, especially compared to what passed for modern architecture in the capital city.

The Archbishop's official residence was at the back of the Cathedral. This was very convenient, as it meant that the sacramental wine stash was stored in a cool cellar only a few steps away from the Archbishop's study. The wine cellar had originally been designed and stocked with the average consumption of a large congregation in mind, so it was a source of constant enjoyment for Archbishop Musilicus to discover nicely aged vintage bottles within the dampness of the cellar. His most recent discovery was a Château Merdasse 1965, an especially good year for the vineyards of neighbouring Somnambulistan.

On this sunny Summer day the Archbishop was feeling happy and relaxed, no doubt partly because of the bottle of Château Bardaque 1968 he had just polished off. He was just about to descend to the cellar for another bottle when the phone rang.

"This is the Archbishop speaking."

"Hello Sir. Could I speak to Mister Archbishop Musilicus please."

"This is Archbishop Musilicus. What do you want."

"Hello Sir I am not trying to sell you anything may I have a moment of your time please."

"Well I am in fact kind of busy at the moment."

"Sir have you thought about the hereafter."

"I am the bleeding Archbishop. Of course I have thought about the hereafter. Just rewards for the pious and eternal damnation for the not so pious. Joyful bliss for some and fire and brimstone for others. Et cetera. What of it."

"Sir have you thought what might happen to your loved ones when you pass away."

"Well I should bloody well hope that they mind their own business. Get to the point."

"Sir is your life insurance in order."

"So you are trying to sell something."

"No Sir. Well yes Sir. But it is for a good cause. You see Sir one point half per cent of one point half per cent of the cost of the policy is donated to support the needy."

"I see. And who might they be."

"The orphanage Sir."

"Well they too can bloody well mind their own business so bugger off. Good day."

The Archbishop slammed down the phone and started his way downstairs while muttering to himself under his breath.

The Archfornicator of Canterbury by Olli-Pekka Rinta-Koski
is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.