The Archfornicator of Canterbury

69 Suzy Q

The bridge over Rio Puta between Verlaine and Hospodar was the only way to cross the river. The banks were too steep and the flow was too strong for a swimmer to get across. Even with a boat, it would be extremely difficult to climb the bank on the other side. There was, however, another way. It wasn't marked on any map, but all the locals knew of the spot slightly upriver from Og's house where you could moor your boat and disembark safely. This was known as Smuggler's Crossing, so named because of the lively trafficking in contraband that used to, and occasionally still does, take place between Bulimia and Transvestitia. Back in the day, cigarettes and hard liquor were the most popular items. Today, most explicit magazines and daring video tapes found their way to Bulimia over the crossing.

As Jack had lost Mr Borge's passport to the Bulimian border guards and his own to the river, he couldn't even have attempted to enter Bulimia legally. Instead, Og was kind enough to take Jack across the river on his boat and let him off at Smuggler's Crossing. He was travelling light, to say the least. The only things he had were the clothes he wore, a fistful of Transvestitian shekels and the stone that Richard Black wanted to get his hands on so much. Jack knew he was probably imagining it, but it seemed like the stone had grown heavier since the last time he had it in his pocket.

It took Jack an hour to walk to Verlaine. By the time he got there, the last bus to Nuevo Saunabad had already left. He had no option but to find a place to stay for the night. Across the street from the bus station was a seedy-looking watering hole. The weathered sign outside said "BAR EXAM". Jack decided to try his luck.

The bar reminded Jack of the CIA interrogation room he'd visited in Apollinaris. It shared the same charming ambience of a maximum security penitentiary on a desert island. Jack figured that the two interior decorators must have been beaten up with the same belt when they were kids. A few locals who looked like they'd dropped in after work about 30 years ago and never left eyed the newcomer with suspicion. Jack didn't let that bother him. He walked up to the bar and caught the barman's attention.

"What'll it be."

"Do you know where I can get a room for the night."

"Right here if you like."

"Do I have any other options."

"Not really unless you go to Hospodar. And the border is closed."

"How much."

"Five rallods. Including clean sheets and a towel."

Prices have gone up, Jack thought.

"All right. Do you serve breakfast."

"That'll be a rallod extra."

"Two eggs sunny side up. On toast. And a mug of black coffee. At 7 o'clock."

"7 am it is. Would you like something to drink."

"I don't suppose you have any beer."

"Of course we have Gainsbourg. Hospodar isn't that far."

"A Gainsbourg then."

The barman handed Jack an ice-cold bottle of beer. What a sight for sore eyes, Jack thought.

"Do you take shekels."

"How do you think we pay for the Gainsbourgs. That'll be one shekel for the room, the breakfast and the beer."

Jack threw a one-shekel coin on the bar. The barman reached behind him and handed Jack a key.

"The room is up those stairs. The bathroom's in the corridor. Would you like anything else."

"I'm fine thanks."

"We have a fine selection of pretty girls."

Jack found that a bit hard to believe, having seen the clientele.

"Really."

"You don't have to take my word for it. Cheryl come here."

A door behind the barman opened and a brunette walked in. Jack was shocked to realise that "Cheryl" was Suzy. He played it cool, though, as did she, even though she was just as surprised to see Jack.

"What's the going rate."

"Seventy-five. Or twelve shekels if you prefer."

Jack reached into his pocket and fished out a wad of notes. He paid the barman and addressed "Cheryl".

"Shall we go upstairs love."

"With pleasure."

Suzy followed Jack upstairs. When the door was shut behind them, they fell into each other's arms and kissed passionately. Jack was the first to speak.

"What are you doing here."

"I should be asking the same. You're the one who told me to get out of Rimbaud."

"And you said you'd take a vacation. It seems more like a working holiday."

"A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."

"I noticed the price has gone up as well."

"Lots of Transvestitian tourists come over to live it large."

"I thought your name was Suzy Dangerous. Not Cheryl."

"It was getting a bit too dangerous being Suzy. What with all the run-ins with the Secret Police and all. You can still call me Suzy if you like."

"What's your real name."

"It's as real as any other name."

"Fair enough. Good to see you Suzy."

"Likewise."