The Archfornicator of Canterbury

73 Audience with the Ambassador

The line to interview Intardo Musilicus reached halfway down the Square. Journalists from almost every national newspaper and TV channel in the world were queuing to have an audience with the man through whom the aliens spoke. KSPB agents posted at the Alien Embassy made sure that everything happened in proper order and the safety of the Ambassador was not compromised. As it had become obvious that the aliens were behind the Cathedral bombing, the case was declared closed and Luigi Scoreggia was reassigned to take care of the security arrangements at the Embassy. He wasn't particularly happy to be babysitting Musilicus, whom he thought to be a pompous asshole, but as an officer of the KSPB he knew his duty and took the assignment without questions.

The former Ministry of Yak Herding was a bit problematic to keep secure, as it only had two floors and the buildings on three of its sides were quite a bit taller. An attacker could have easily dropped a bomb on the roof from any of the dozens of offices in the surrounding buildings that had windows facing the Embassy. Likewise, an attack team could abseil and land on the roof without too much trouble. Scoreggia's solution was to place guards on the entrances of the neighbouring buildings and make sure only people with proper ID were allowed to enter. This was done more to placate his boss than anything else, as it didn't really go too far in preventing, for instance, properly trained Special Forces operatives from doing their thing.

Scoreggia decided not to worry about the SAS or the Navy Seals going after Musilicus too much. Based on international reactions, it didn't seem like the British or the Americans would want to interfere. If they did, they'd probably nuke the whole of Nuevo Saunabad to Kingdom Come, and then Scoreggia would not really have to worry about the Ambassador's safety too much. By contrast, it was more than likely that a single crackpot would want to claim his 15 minutes of infamy by posing as a reporter and shooting Musilicus point blank with a concealed handgun. As a result, the reporters had to pass through a metal detector (on loan from Apollinaris airport, courtesy of the Transvestitia Board of Tourism who were absolutely thrilled at the surge in popularity of flights to and from Apollinaris) and swear on their mother's grave they wouldn't do anything nasty while with the Ambassador.

The first journalist to be granted an audience with the Ambassador was from CNN. Their team had arrived not long after the landing by helicopter, which was a notable occurrence in and of itself as the only helicopters in Bulimia were the one at the US Embassy and the one that the KSPB used on occasion. Yak herders raised their fists and yelled obscenities when the CNN chopper flew over, as they were afraid the milk of their cattle would run sour. At first, the CNN team had been reporting live from King Square every fifteen minutes, but as there was very little action concerning the alien space vessel, they were now concentrating on digging up every bit of background information they could get their hands on. Their problem was that most Bulimians were more than happy to divulge their opinions and theories, but few of them actually knew anything about the landing that was not blindingly obvious to anyone who had seen the spaceship standing on the ruins of the Cathedral.

For his part, Musilicus was more than happy to grant CNN the privilege of the first media audience. He'd been a big fan of Wolf Blitzer ever since the Kuwait invasion. He wasn't as happy to hear that the interview would in fact not be conducted by him, but he didn't mind it too much. After all, this was his chance to get on international TV and be seen and heard all over the world.

"Ingrid. Go and tell the thugs at the door that I will see the CNN crew now."

"Yes Sir."

Ingrid did as she was told and the CNN crew, consisting of a reporter and a cameraman, came in.

"Good evening Sir. Thrilled to meet you. My name is Susan Stills and this is my cameraman George Buttgereit."

"Good to meet you Susan. Have a seat. Can I offer you something."

"No thanks. Shall we go straight to the interview."

"If you wish."

The cameraman erected his tripod and gave Susan the OK sign.

"Good evening. I'm Susan Stills for CNN reporting from the office of the Alien Ambassador Intardo Musilicus. Mr Ambassador to start off with would you tell us what made the aliens choose you as their spokesman."

"A good question Susan. The aliens approached me and told me they needed someone to represent their interests on Earth. As you may know the aliens only communicate via telepathy so they couldn't for instance have done this interview with you Susan. Har har."

"When did you first hear from them."

This could get tricky, Musilicus thought. I'd better not contradict myself. Wouldn't make me look too good.

"Quite some time ago. We go a long way back. I was sworn to secrecy until the time was right."

"Before becoming the Ambassador you were the Archbishop at the Cathedral of Nuevo Saunabad."

"That is correct."

"The Cathedral was destroyed a few days ago in an explosion and the alien spaceship landed on the ruins soon after. Is there a connection to your former position."

Damn it, Musilicus thought. This chick is good. She's very well prepared.

"By mere coincidence the Cathedral was built on the landing site the aliens had already used on their previous visit to Earth. They returned to the exact same spot."

"So this is not the first time the aliens have been here on Earth."

"That is correct. The previous visit was more than ten thousand years ago. Nuevo Saunabad wasn't quite the metropolis it is today back then. Har har."

"Bulimia's ambassador to the UN gave a speech at the general assembly yesterday. In the speech he said that the aliens wish to take a hundred people with them when they return to their home planet. Did this information come through you."

"Yes it did. The aliens wanted me to inform the government of Bulimia of their intentions. The government then passed the message to other nations via the UN ambassador."

"The aliens have additional requirements. They want equal numbers of both sexes. The women have to be of childbearing age and the men have to be virile. Is this correct."

"Yes. That is the message they wanted me to convey."

"Did they say why."

"You must understand that we are dealing with a civilisation that is perhaps a million years or more evolved than ours. Communication with them is challenging to say the least."

"So their motives are not clear."

"I didn't say that. I think it is obvious that they want to help the human race to live on after life on Earth becomes impossible."

"Is that what they communicated to you."

Goddamn it, Musilicus thought. Do I lie or do I tell the truth. Well, I'll just have to remember to stick to the story.

"Yes. Their message was that they are here to help mankind. They are afraid we might not come up with a solution ourselves."

"You said that the alien civilisation is more than a million years ahead of ours in terms of evolution."

"Yes."

"Presumably that means that their technology is equally ahead of ours."

"It is."

"If the aliens want to help us why don't they share their technological achievements. They have obviously mastered interstellar flight. Wouldn't it be better to help mankind forge its own destiny by colonising distant worlds on its own."

She must have spent a lot of time practicing that line, Musilicus thought. CNN probably has a bunch of really good scriptwriters assigned to this shebang. Let's give them something to chew over.

"The aliens do not wish to interfere too much with our evolution. According to them it's against interstellar regulations."

Musilicus hoped Susan Stills was gullible enough to swallow that one whole. He also hoped she wouldn't press the point too much.

"So they are not the only extraterrestrial lifeform out there."

"No. There are hundreds if not thousands more. Not all of them as advanced though."

"What do the aliens call themselves."

What indeed. They had never bothered to introduce themselves.

"They don't use names like we do. However they told me to call their home planet Orange."

"Is that because of its colour."

"I couldn't say. I've never been there. Har har."

"Are you planning to be one of the hundred to go yourself."

"I am hoping to find out more about the requirements. If it would serve the interests of mankind then yes."

And that's a very quotable line aimed straight at the Nobel Peace Prize committee, Musilicus thought. Oslo here I come.

"When are the aliens planning to go back to Orange."

"As soon as we have finalised who are the hundred to go with them."

"Who will have final say."

"Well Susan as you know the candidates will be chosen by every nation from Earth and the hundred will be selected by lottery. However the aliens wanted the government of Bulimia to form a committee to ensure that the final result conforms to the aliens' wishes. The committee will have final say."

"And who is on that committee."

"His Royal Highness the Prince of Lower Bulimia. The Minister of Porn and Propaganda Silvio Cagadero. And myself."

At that point, the Ambassador's secretary Ingrid appeared at the door to signal that the time was up. Musilicus was glad it was over. There would be more interviews to come, but they probably wouldn't be as tricky as this one was.

"It seems Ingrid is telling me that we should be wrapping up soon. We have time for a last question if you have one Susan."

"Apparently you are the only human to have been inside the alien spaceship. What do the aliens look like."

"They look very much like humans. However they cannot breathe in Earth's atmosphere and their eyes are extremely sensitive to light. That is why they must remain inside the spaceship and cannot present themselves to us."

"Thank you very much Mr Ambassador."

"Thank you Susan. It was a pleasure."

"We have been interviewing Intardo Musilicus the Alien Ambassador. This is Susan Stills for CNN signing off at the Alien Embassy in Nuevo Saunabad Bulimia."

The cameraman turned off the bright spotlight that had been shining on the interviewer and the interviewee.

"That's a wrap."

The Archfornicator of Canterbury by Olli-Pekka Rinta-Koski
is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.