The Archfornicator of Canterbury

54 Alien ambassador

The interrogation room was Spartan, to say the least. Musilicus sat on a folding chair that creaked like it was about to fall apart at any moment. He was alone in the room. Well, almost. The voices in his head kept him company.

"...take us to your leader..."

"...we have come in peace..."

"...be our voice..."

"Yes yes. All in good time. I am no happier to be here than you are. Hopefully this situation will be sorted out soon."

The KSPB agents behind the one-way mirror watched Musilicus seemingly talk to himself with bemused looks on their faces. On one hand, they had no preconception of how an alien would behave when isolated for questioning. On the other, it certainly seemed like this particular alien was about to lose its marbles.

The door opened and Silvio Cagadero stepped in.

"I am Silvio Cagadero the Minister of Porn and Propaganda. I was told you have expressed a wish to talk to someone in upper management."

"Hell yes. First of all I want out of here. This place gives me the creeps."

"Might I ask your name Sir."

"I am Intardo Musilicus. Formerly the Archbishop. Now speaking on behalf of the occupants of the interplanetary craft you must have seen out there."

"I see. First of all I would like to extend my condolences on the loss of your Cathedral. I must also say you look quite a bit healthier than you used to. Not to mention younger."

"Let's cut to the chase shall we. There are quite a few practical issues we need to resolve ASAP. We as in the aliens I represent demand an office from which we can conduct our business. Something suitable for an alien embassy. Big. And impressive. I'm thinking on the lines of the Royal Palace here."

"I don't think the King would approve. I understand he's quite fond of his dwellings. I'm also not sure the people of Bulimia would like that."

Musilicus was getting into his role so completely that he had already started to think of himself as an alien.

"We're flexible Silvio. After all we are a superior intellect."

The Minister of Porn and Propaganda was weighing his options carefully. This whole alien incident could be just the thing needed to put Bulimia on the map. He wasn't exactly sure what it would mean to have an alien embassy in the middle of Nuevo Saunabad, but he remained optimistic. The tourism trade would definitely pick up. A permanent seat on the UN Security Council would be a given. If he played his cards right, it was also likely he'd get nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for his achievements in bridging the interspecies communication gap. He'd have to come up with a cunning plan not to have to share it with Musilicus, though.

"Could you tell me a bit more of your alien masters Mr Musilicus. Or would you still prefer to be addressed as the Archbishop."

The voices reappeared.

"...we have come in peace... we live in a time and place of harmony and co-operation..."

"...our wish is for mankind to join us to make the universe a better place..."

"How about the Ambassador. After all that's what I am. They're three meters tall. Bug-eyed. Green. Hermaphrodites. With really long fangs. They can use their powers of telepathy to make your brain boil from a distance of several hundred meters. The spaceship carries weapons powerful enough to evaporate the Earth sixteen times over. Now can we get on with the business."

"I will see what we can do about the embassy. In the meantime you are welcome to use one of the offices here at the Ministry."

"I hope you're not talking about this chicken coop."

"There's an office two floors up. With a nice view over the square. And a balcony."

"I'll also require a secretary. One who can type. And has big tits."

"I'm sure that can be arranged. Now if you'll excuse me I have a Cabinet meeting to attend. You will be shown to your temporary office shortly."

Cagadero extended his hand towards Musilicus and they shook hands. The door opened and Cagadero returned to the War Room. Soon after, Musilicus was escorted upstairs to the office of Horst Hurenschwanz.