The Archfornicator of Canterbury

58 Hit the road Jack

When Jack saw that his moment had come, he got out of the car and ran as fast as he could. He did not stop when he turned a corner and the car was no longer visible. Only when he reached a shopping mall two blocks down and ducked in did he allow himself the luxury of catching his breath.

This was a situation that would test Jack's ingenuity. He had no money and no passport. Every policeman and border guard in the country had certainly been issued with his photo. Probably that of Mr Borge as well, not that he any longer had even half a moustache of that particular disguise. He could only trust one person in the country, and his place was an hour and a half away by bus. Since he couldn't come up with a better plan, Jack decided to pay Og another visit.

The only problem with Jack's plan was that he could not afford a bus ticket. Again, this dilemma called for some lateral thinking. He could always have robbed an old lady, but he did not wish to upset his Karma balance any more than he had to. The lack of recent good deeds meant he was already running a bit low in the Karmic stakes. He would have tried to pawn his watch, if only it hadn't been taken from him when he was paying a visit to the local CIA torture chambers. He had absolutely nothing of value on him. Nothing, that is, except for his gold tooth. Jack decided to make an appointment with a dentist.

The dentist had his office on the second floor of the mall. The door said "Dr ANDERS MULQVIST, DENTAL PRACTITIONER" in big bold letters. The receptionist sat behind her desk giving her nails a new coat of polish and looking generally very bored.

"I need to see the doctor."

"Do you have an appointment."

"No."

"We can fit you in next Wednesday at 9 am."

"I'm in great pain. It hurts so much you wouldn't believe."

The receptionist looked at Jack with disbelief. Jack stared at her. Finally, she gave in.

"I'll ask the doctor if he can help you. Just a minute."

She disappeared to the dentist's surgery and came back a moment later.

"The doctor will see you now."

Jack smiled and went in. The dentist's surgery was painted pastel green. A faded Mickey Mouse poster stared down from the ceiling at the hapless victim in the reclining seat. Dr Mulqvist, a tall, bald man in his early fifties greeted Jack.

"I'm Dr Mulqvist. What seems to be the problem."

"I need you to pull out one of my teeth."

"Are you in a lot of pain."

"There's no pain. I just need to get the tooth out."

"I don't understand."

Jack pulled at his lip, exposing a golden incisor.

"This one. And while we're at it how much would you pay for it."

"Are you serious."

"I am a bit strapped for cash at the moment."

"I see. Well if you have exhausted all other avenues –"

"I have. How much."

The dentist considered Jack's proposition.

"I'll give you a hundred shekels for the tooth."

"Does that include extraction."

"But of course. With anaesthetic."

"And nitrous gas."

"Unfortunately I don't have a nitrous tank. I'll give you an injection. You won't feel a thing."

"A hundred and fifty."

"Done."

"All right. Let's get on with it."

Jack sat down on the dentist's seat. The dentist pressed a pedal with his foot, making the seat recline. Jack noticed that the Mickey Mouse poster on the ceiling was advertising the opening of Eurodisney.

The dentist got out an injection needle and squirted something in Jack's gums. The area surrounding the tooth felt like an overinflated tyre. Next, the dentist grabbed a pair of pliers and took a firm grip on the gold tooth. Jack was a bit concerned about the crunching sounds, but he was happy to notice that the good doctor was a man of his word and it did not indeed feel like anything.

After a bit of work, the tooth came loose. The dentist dropped the tooth in a vial containing disinfectant solution. Jack wondered what would happen when the anaesthetic wore off. He would have asked Dr Mulqvist, but his mouth was in no condition to voice anything except moans and groans. The dentist stuck a wad of cotton where the gold tooth once was.

"I'll give you a couple of painkillers to go. It might hurt a bit in a few hours."

"hhaaankshh"

Dr Mulqvist removed his latex gloves and took three 50-shekel notes from his wallet. Jack took the money and the painkillers and left Dr Mulqvist's surgery one tooth poorer and 150 shekels richer. It was more than enough to pay for his bus ride back to Hospodar.