The Archfornicator of Canterbury

66 Q: Are we not men? A: We are aliens!

Silvio Cagadero arrived to meet Intardo Musilicus less than five minutes after he'd called him. Musilicus was thoroughly enjoying the fact that he could make the most powerful man in Bulimia jump at his say so.

"I am sorry for the delay. You said that the aliens wanted to have a word with me."

"Yes. They are discussing things among themselves right now. They will contact me telepathically when they are ready. In the meantime can I get you something."

"A cup of coffee maybe."

"Ingrid. Two cups of coffee. One with two lumps of sugar. How do you take yours."

"Black please."

"One with two lumps and one without. Off you go."

"Yes Sir."

The two men sat down as Ingrid left the room.

"How do you find the office."

"It'll do for now. What about the embassy."

"The Ministry of Yak Herding would be happy to offer their premises for the aliens. They are also located on the square opposite the Library. You can see the building from here. It's the one with the flag of Bulimia flying on the roof."

"It looks awfully tiny."

"The Ministry of Yak Herding only employs two people. I'm afraid it's the best we can do at such short notice. I though you would appreciate being located at a building that's such a fine specimen of classic Jugend architecture."

"Well it is kinda nice. All right. When can we move in."

"The Ministry will start moving out in the morning. I expect them not to take more than a day."

"Good."

Ingrid returned with the coffees.

"Thank you love. Now run along. We have business to talk."

The men drank their coffees in silence. After a few excruciating minutes, the voices returned.

"...take us to your leader now..."

"He's here. What is it that you want."

Cagadero followed the one-sided conversation with a concerned look on his face.

"...we have come to save you..."

"From what."

"...from total and permanent destruction..."

"...we want to help..."

"Go on."

Musilicus was getting a bit uneasy with the end of the world references. He wasn't too sure he liked the direction the conversation was taking.

"...we want to take some of you with us..."

"Where to."

"...to our home world..."

"...we will take a hundred people..."

"...people of fertile age..."

"What. Are you planning to breed people."

Cagadero was starting to get anxious. He still didn't have a clue what was going on. He was also starting to suspect that Musilicus had simply gone crazy. He had been seen coming out of the spacecraft, that much was true. Maybe the aliens had done medical experiments on him and he'd lost his mind as a result.

"...we can only take a hundred... we want you to remain viable..."

"So you are planning to breed people."

"...we want to help you survive..."

Musilicus realised it would have been better to have this discussion without Cagadero present. Unfortunately the aliens hadn't even hinted at their motives beforehand, so there was no way of knowing they'd launch into an Armageddon rant once the country's most powerful man was ready to listen. He'd just have to play it by ear.

"What do you wish to tell our leader."

That should rack up a few points with Cagadero, Musilicus thought.

"...we want him to understand..."

"...we want him to help us..."

"To do what."

"...to convince those hundred to join us..."

Musilicus drew a deep breath. He couldn't think of a way to personally benefit from the intergalactic Noah's ark scenario, but decided that he'd come up with something later. He'd definitely have to keep some aces up his sleeve, though.

"Here's the deal. The aliens want to take a hundred people to their home planet."

"What's the purpose. Why do they want to do that."

"They want us to establish a colony there. To help us continue our peaceful coexistence."

"I see. That's certainly an interesting idea. Did they say who in particular they would like to join them on whatever their planet is called."

"They have some restrictions. The women have to be of childbearing age."

And they must have big tits, Musilicus wanted to add, but thought better of it.

"What about the men."

"They have to be virile. And upstanding members of the society."

"That is certainly an interesting proposition. Let me think this over. If you'll excuse me I'll get back to you shortly."

"By all means."

Cagadero got up and left the room. Musilicus felt dizzy. He had had no idea that the aliens would want to breed humans on the other side of the galaxy. He also had conflicting opinions about the whole matter. On one hand, this could be his big break. He was sure he could convince the aliens to take him as one of the hundred. Once on the far side of the world, he would inarguably become the leader of the human colony. As supreme leader he would be judge and jury and, in particular, could make sure he'd be able to enjoy the company of a different female each night. Visions of hedonistic carnal delights filled his head. His would definitely be a reign of debauchery.

On the other hand, deep down he didn't really trust the aliens all that much. Sure, they'd brought him back to life, but then they'd killed him in the first place, so it was really the least they could do. What if their motives weren't all that altruistic? It could all be an elaborate ruse to catch livestock to satisfy their hunger for human flesh. Maybe they just wanted to stock their incubator in order to have a continuous supply of gourmet humans for their fast food restaurants. Perhaps the alien hamburger chains didn't really use all that much beef.