The Archfornicator of Canterbury

78 Aspiring astronauts

As soon as the news of the aliens' wishes were broadcast by media, governments all over the world started to figure out how to find the perfect candidates to represent their country. In Sweden, the choice was made by putting the names of all citizens in a hat and picking them out one by one until a suitable man and woman were found. The Dutch selected their candidates with a game show where the last ones left were chosen to have the chance to go. In most other countries, simple beauty contests were deemed proper. The dissenting voice came from Russia, where the winners were chosen by a vodka drinking contest. The two survivors won by default.

The fax machine at the Alien Embassy was spewing the names, pictures and vital statistics of national candidates from all over the globe. Ingrid, the Ambassador's secretary, had her hands full keeping up with the facsimile onslaught.

Intardo Musilicus was busy trying to figure out which scheme would benefit him the most. He was kind of partial to going with the aliens and becoming the patriarch of the human colony. The nagging thought of becoming a hamburger was enough to put him off that scenario. His decision to remain on Earth meant he'd have to be a bit more creative about what he was going to do. The aliens would not return during his lifetime, that much was certain. It was obvious that his ambassador gig would be history soon after blastoff. He was fairly certain that his memoirs would sell quite well, if he didn't take too long to choose a publisher among all those who were sure to jump at the chance. He also knew that however well the memoirs sold, it still wouldn't be enough to support the lavish lifestyle he fully intended to lead now that he was truly and utterly out of the Archbishoping game.

He was almost happy to hear the voices return. That meant he could take a break from figuring out his pension plan.

"...are the hundred ready..."

"Not yet. We're working on it. Should be done fairly soon."

Suddenly, he had a brilliant flash of thought.

"Since you guys are going to get up and go how about leaving a little memento behind. I'm sure there are some gadgets aboard that donut that could prove quite useful down here."

"...our technology is very advanced..."

"Isn't that kind of the whole point. If you were a bunch of Piltdown Men we wouldn't be even having this discussion now would we."

"...very well... we will leave you something to remember us by..."

Musilicus almost jumped with joy. What would the aliens leave him? A mind-reading machine? The gizmo with which they brought him back from the dead? The all-powerful tractor beam?

"...go to the spaceship now..."

Musilicus didn't waste any time. He got out on the square and ran to the riot barricade.

"Hello. I am the Ambassador. I have an appointment with the aliens."

"I am sorry Sir. You need proper authorisation to enter the perimeter."

"What. Don't you read the papers. I am the Alien Ambassador Intardo Musilicus. I demand access to the spaceship this instant."

"Please step back from the barricade Sir."

Musilicus was fuming. He wasn't too happy about the KSPB agents who were watching his every move at the Embassy. Now the regular police was trying to keep him from getting what was rightfully his. He was just about to have an apoplectic fit when the voices returned.

"...we will transport you..."

Musilicus didn't have time to formulate an answer before he disappeared in a blinding flash of light. The German Shepherd on the police officer's leash barked at thin air where Musilicus had stood a moment ago.