The Archfornicator of Canterbury

81 A-hunting we will go

Uncharacteristically for him, Intardo Musilicus woke up at dawn. His quarters were on the top floor of the former Ministry of Yak Herding. He dressed and went down to his office, where he poured himself a whisky from the Minister's liquor cabinet and proceeded to finish it in one gulp. Having kickstarted his day, he went out to the balcony to admire the sun rising from behind the giant space donut on the other end of King Square.

Ingrid, his secretary, came to work a few minutes before 8 o'clock. Soon after, she knocked on the door.

"Come in."

"Good morning Sir. Here's your coffee and the morning paper."

"Oh. Thanks."

Musilicus sat down at his desk and started to peruse the latest edition of the Royal National Herald. He had just finished reading the comic strips when Ingrid came in again.

"Sir. The King's valet brought you this."

"What is it."

"It's an invitation to go hunting with the King this afternoon."

"Really. Well well. Does it say where."

"No. It says the King will send a car to pick you up at noon."

"I see. Thank you Ingrid. Go and buy me some hunting clothes won't you."

"Yes Sir."

Musilicus was a bit surprised by the King's invitation. He was the Alien Ambassador, true, but even so, he did not expect the monarch to take an interest in the whole alien landing business. He didn't even consider not going, not because it would have insulted the head of the state, but because he knew that going hunting invariably meant not only a good meal but also a free drink or two.

The King's Rolls Royce was in front of the Alien Embassy at exactly 12 o'clock. Ingrid had bought Musilicus an impressive tweed outfit and boots to match. Dressed in the outfit, he looked like someone who had been hunting foxes all his life.

The King's hunting grounds were located a bit outside Nuevo Saunabad, near a village called Baudelaire. Musilicus was happy to notice that the Rolls Royce was equipped with a bar, so he made the most of his trip by hitting the King's whisky stash as hard as he could. The drive to the hunting grounds only lasted half an hour, so Musilicus was a bit disappointed to notice that he'd only gotten through six shots of whisky before it was time to go out in the fresh country air and slaughter an innocent animal or two.

The King arrived in another Rolls Royce a moment later, followed by his entourage. The hunting party consisted of six people not including the huntmaster and the servants. In addition to the King and Musilicus, the King's youngest son, the 14-year old Prince Vadim, was one of them. The others were Röövel Ööbik, the Minister of Insults, Umbopa Tsutsu, the Minister of Yak Herding, and General Jésus Iglesias, the commander of the Armed Forces. Musilicus had not met any of them, but he recognised them anyway, having seen all their faces in the newspaper at some point.

"Your Highness. It was very generous of you to invite me."

"I am glad you could make it. May I introduce my son Prince Vadim."

"It is an honour to meet you Your Highness."

"Get stuffed."

"Excuse me."

"I said get stuffed."

"Now now Vadim. The Ambassador is an important man. Mind your manners."

"Get stuffed."

"If you don't stop this instant you don't get to kill any bunny rabbits. That's more like it. May I also introduce the Minister of Insults Röövel Ööbik."

"A pleasure to meet you Ambassador."

"Likewise."

"And the Minister of Yak Herding Umbopa Tsutsu."

"So nice to finally meet you Ambassador. I hope you are enjoying my Ministry."

"It's not too bad. The interior could do with a fresh coat of paint."

"I couldn't agree more."

"And finally General Jésus Iglesias commander of the Bulimian Armed Forces."

"Mister Ambassador."

"General. A pleasure."

"Well then. Now that we've all met how about going hunting."

The King's huntmaster handed everyone a shotgun. Musilicus had never handled one before, but he wasn't too worried. He'd seen one being used in a movie years ago. As far as he could tell, it was just a matter of pointing the pipes at the animal and pulling the trigger, preferably twice just to make sure.

The hunting party started walking toward the forest. The air was fresh and the sun was shining. What a perfect weather for senseless slaughter, Musilicus thought. He could hardly have been happier.

"Do you go hunting much Mister Ambassador."

"Not as such Your Highness. However there's a first time for everything isn't there."

"Indeed there is. I am sure you'll like it once you get the hang of it."

At that moment, a lonely pheasant took flight near the edge of the forest. The King propped the stock of his shotgun against his shoulder, aimed and pulled the trigger. The pheasant's flight was cut short when a lethal cloud of buckshot hit it. A dog released by the huntmaster ran to fetch the dead pheasant. The King's performance was praised with subdued applause.

"Excellent shooting Your Highness."

"Your Highness is truly a marksman without equal."

"Thank you gentlemen. Now that the first shot has been fired perhaps I'll let someone else have the next one."

The party kept walking. As they reached the forest's edge, another pheasant tried to escape its inevitable fate. The Minister of Insults made sure that the pheasant would not have to make any further plans with a carefully aimed shot.

As the day went on, everyone except Musilicus had already shot at least one pheasant. Most had also killed a rabbit or two. The young Prince was especially proud of his tally. Pheasantwise, the King was in the lead, having shot down three birds by himself. The hunting party was already on their way back to their vehicles, when Musilicus spotted something moving in the distance.

"I'll get that one."

Before anyone had a chance to react, Musilicus fired a shot at one of the King's hunting dogs. Fortunately Musilicus had no idea what he was doing, so only two pieces of buckshot hit it in the behind. The dog protested with a loud whimper. The huntmaster took the shotgun from Musilicus before he could get another shot off.

"Now now Mister Ambassador. That was my dog you just shot at."

"My apologies Your Highness. It did look a bit like a pheasant from a distance."

"Don't worry. The dog will survive. And I believe we have enough pheasants even without your contribution. Gentlemen I believe it is time to retreat back to the Palace. You are all invited to dine with me."

"Thank you very much Your Highness."

"It is truly an honour Your Highness."

Back at the Palace, the shooting party, minus the young Prince who preferred to play Nintendo and order pizza instead, convened in the Library. The valet's were kept busy by requests for different types of hard liquor.

"Gentlemen. Can anyone guess what Salvatore has just poured you."

The two Ministers and the General took a sniff at the golden brown liquid in their glasses. Musilicus didn't bother with the ritual, but instead downed the whole glass in one go. General Iglesias was the first to respond.

"It's definitely a fine brandy from Cognac Your Highness."

"Can anyone hazard a more educated guess."

Umbopa Tsutsu was next.

"This must be an XO Your Highness."

"Indeed it is. I am still waiting for someone to pin down the brand. How about you Mister Ambassador. What is your guess."

"Well Your Highness. I don't have a clue but I wouldn't mind another go."

Salvatore, the King's valet, didn't need further instructions. He poured Musilicus another shot of brandy, this time quite a bit more generous one than the first time around.

Röövel Ööbik offered his opinion next.

"Your Highness. The bouquet is quite unmistakable. This wonderful brandy is so good that it would be easy to believe it comes from Cognac. However it is an example of the skill that our neighbours in Somnambulistan have honed in their quest for the perfect brandy. If only it were possible to practice viticulture in Bulimia. I am quite convinced this is Merdasse XO."

The King clapped his hands, visibly delighted.

"Bravo Minister. You have nailed it. I share your wish. It would be magnificent to have a domestic product of similar nature and quality."

"Dinner is served Your Highness."

"Thank you Salvatore. Gentlemen shall we."

Everyone followed the King to the dining hall. The long table was covered in white tablecloths. Three large crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling over the table. Six places were set for diners, each with a selection of fine porcelain, silver and crystal. The walls were decorated with oil paintings that shared a common hunting theme. Dead pheasants and other carnage had obviously been an inspiration to the painter. As the diners sat down, Musilicus motioned at Salvatore for another refill.

The first course was bouillabaisse, which Musilicus thought to be a bit too common a dish to be served at a Royal dinner, but he somehow managed to keep his thoughts to himself even though the alcohol in him worked hard at setting the thought free. Still, as fish soup goes, it actually isn't that bad, he thought.

"Mister Ambassador. I hear you're quite a fisherman yourself. What do you think of the bouillabaisse."

"Just like Mother used to make Your Highness."

Everyone laughed politely at this comment.

The main course was, of course, pheasant served on a bed of fresh asparagus and mashed potatoes. Throughout the meal, conversation was light and polite. Musilicus didn't offer many comments, mainly because he was starting to get drunk to the point where it was incredibly difficult to follow any train of thought.

The dessert was a soufflé filled with something that Musilicus did not recognise. He didn't care too much what it was either, because he had already decided to concentrate on the subsequent coffee and brandy. He was hoping the coffee would help him sober up. He was also hoping that the brandy would ensure he wouldn't sober up too much.

When the coffee and brandy had been served, Röövel Ööbik addressed Musilicus directly.

"Mister Ambassador. Would you tell us a bit more about the aliens."

"Sure thing Röövel. Whaddoya wanna know mate."

Everyone's eyes and ears were on Musilicus.

"We have heard that they are planning to invite some guests for their return trip. Is this correct."

"Yea mate. Sure they are."

"What will happen when they get back home."

"What do you mean. I'm sure they'll have a hell of a party. Wouldn't you. I sure would."

"I mean what will happen to the humans who go with them. We have heard some disconcerting rumours."

"Oh yea. Rumors. Yea. Here's what will happen. They will all get nekkid and lie in a great big pile. Aliens on top."

At that moment, Musilicus passed out and fell face forward on his soufflé.