The Archfornicator of Canterbury

84 Dinner at Il Cazzo Grandissimo

When you're the most powerful man in the country, it's not too tricky to get a dinner reservation even if the town is teeming with news crews and tourists with money to burn. The most prestigious restaurant in Nuevo Saunabad was Il Cazzo Grandissimo, an Italian restaurant located in the heart of the Old Town. The restaurant had been run by the Dellamorte family since the late 19th Century. During that time, the restaurant had only moved once, when the original premises burned to the ground due to an unfortunate flambéeing accident during the First World War. The two-storey stone building on Bourbon Street had housed Il Cazzo Grandissimo ever since.

The head chéf and the patriarch of the family was Pierluigi Dellamorte. He was famous for his flambéed yak steaks, and it was a testament to his abilities that the Fire Brigade had only visited the restaurant sixteen times since he took the reins soon after WWII. He was rarely in the kitchen anymore, preferring instead to devote his time to watching daytime TV and letting his son, Pierpaolo Dellamorte, run the kitchen as he saw fit. However, when he heard that the Minister of Porn and Propaganda was going to dine in his restaurant with the Crown Prince and the Alien Ambassador, Pierluigi Dellamorte wasted no time in getting back to the kitchen. It was a matter of pride for him. It was still his restaurant, even if he knew he'd have to let go and hand it over to the next generation sooner than later.

Intardo Musilicus was the first to arrive. He was shown to the cabinet on the second floor, where the head waiter was still making sure that the table was being set according to protocol.

"Welcome to Il Cazzo Grandissimo Signore Ambassador. Benvenuto. It is truly an honour to have you as our guest."

"Isn't it just. Get me a gin and tonic won't ya. Easy on the tonic."

"Right away Signore."

The head waiter snapped his fingers at the waitress who was placing the dessert spoons on the table.

"Amanda. Pronto."

Amanda almost ran out of the room to get Musilicus his drink. The head waiter excused himself and left Musilicus to gaze at the decoration. The walls featured historical photographs from Nuevo Saunabad as it was decades ago. He felt a sudden pang of nostalgia when he saw a picture of the Cathedral as it was being constructed in the early 1910s. Fortunately for him, Amanda arrived with the gin and tonic just in time so he could drown his nostalgia with a stiff gulp.

Another photograph was apparently taken during the Revolution. It showed a group of stern men with huge moustaches, each standing at attention with a single-action rifle on their back. The silk ribbons on their lapels meant they were Royalists, and as history would later show, they won. As was the custom at the time, the black and white photograph had been coloured with crayons, so that the ribbons were the correct shade of blue.

Musilicus was inspecting a photograph of a men's gymnastic team dressed in leotards forming a human pyramid when Silvio Cagadero came in.

"Minister. Good to see you."

"Good to see you too Mister Ambassador. I am sorry for being late."

"Not at all. I've enjoyed the photographs on display here."

The waitress who had brought Cagadero piped in.

"Can I get you something to drink gentlemen."

"I'll have another gin and tonic. And this time don't drown it in tonic. What'll you have Silvio."

"Gin and tonic sounds like an excellent choice."

"Won't be a moment gentlemen."

Cagadero saw that Musilicus was eyeing the gymnasts.

"That's my grandfather there. Second from the left on the bottom."

"You don't say. He looks like a strong man."

"He was. The Bulimian champion in arm wrestling three years in a row."

"How wonderful. He must have been quite a hit with the ladies."

The waitress came back carrying the drinks on a tray. The head waiter followed her.

"Gentlemen his Royal Highness the Prince of Lower Bulimia has arrived."

The head waiter kept the door open for the Crown Prince, who walked in wearing the dress uniform of an Army colonel. He had in fact only served in the Bulimian Army for a fortnight before deciding that he'd rather play yak polo, but he still liked to dress up on occasion.

"Minister. Ambassador. Dear friends. I am utterly delighted to be able to join you to perform this historical duty."

"And we are privileged to have you with us your Highness."

The head waiter was truly on top of his game and brought the Crown Prince a gin and tonic on his own accord.

"Cheers gentlemen."

"To your health your Highness."

"Cheers."

The three men sat down at the table. They seemed to have a tacit understanding that business would only be discussed after the dinner. When it was time for the main course, Pierluigi Dellamorte himself came up from the kitchen to flambée their yak steaks at the table. He was delighted to no end when the Crown Prince said that he'd never had a better yak steak, and he'd definitely eaten some yak in his time.

After dinner, the head waiter brought the gentlemen port and cigars. Once they were again by themselves, the Crown Prince was the first to bring up the matter which had brought them to Il Cazzo Grandissimo.

"Now then. I understand that Mister Ambassador has a list of the candidates."

"I do. Here you go."

Musilicus handed the list to the Crown Prince.

"How many names are here."

"I don't know. Two from every country. Something like three hundred."

"And who do we have from Bulimia."

"I don't remember. You'll find the entry under 'B'."

The Crown Prince leafed through the list, until he found the entry for Bulimia.

"Egmont Imbiss. 27 years old. Yak farmer from Upper Bulimia. And Madeleine Biglietto."

Cagadero piped in.

"Isn't she the reigning Miss Bulimia."

"I believe she is. 23 years old. Student. Studies international marketing at the Royal University. Gentlemen I have an announcement to make. I have decided to represent Bulimia on the alien spaceship."

Cagadero and Musilicus looked like he'd just said he was going to elope with a yak.

"I beg your pardon your Highness. Do you mean you wish to go to Orange with the aliens."

"That is correct. I shall join Miss Bulimia along with 49 other couples to take mankind to the stars. My younger brother shall inherit the crown of Bulimia when the time comes."

"We were supposed to pick the winners at random."

"Nonsense. Are we not the committee who has final say. Well this is mine. I am going and so is miss Biglietto."

"Does the King know about your decision your Highness."

"I will tell him before the final list is published. Now then gentlemen. Shall we get on with the rest of the list. There are still 98 seats to fill."

"I don't know about you two but I'm going to get a refill."

Musilicus pressed a button on the table. The head waiter appeared in the doorway in an instant.

"You rang Signore."

"Yes. Bring me an espresso. On second thoughts let's make it a double. And a bottle of grappa."

"Very well Signore. Would the other gentlemen like an espresso as well."

"We would. Thank you."

The head waiter bowed and disappeared, returning minutes later with three double espressos and a bottle of Grappa di Moscato.