The Archfornicator of Canterbury

85 Back 'n' Black

The phone rang in Richard Black's office.

"Black."

"Is this room service. I'd like to order the ten million dollar burger with a side of asshole to Room 602."

"Very funny Jack. You should consider being a comedian."

"Well seeing as I don't have a day job anymore it's actually not such a bad idea. Do you have the money."

"Yes."

"Here's what I want you to do. Get in your car with the money and drive to Rimbaud. The concierge at the Hotel Excelsior will give you further instructions. This time leave the Sasquatchs in the playpen for real or Uncle Jack will be very angry. And forget about playing Unabomber as well."

"Is that all."

"For now. Have a nice drive."

The money was packed in two large suitcases. Black threw both in the boot of his Mercury and headed out on the highway. The drive only took him fifteen minutes. He parked the car in front of Hotel Excelsior and walked in. The concierge handed him an envelope before he had time to say anything.

"You must be Mr Dick. This is for you."

Black returned to the car and opened the envelope. Inside was a hand-written letter. It said "Drive to the parking lot on the other side of the hotel. See you soon. Cordially yours, Santa Claus".

Black started the Mercury and turned it around. The parking lot was almost empty. The only parked vehicle was a gray Toyota Corolla that had seen better days. Soon after, Black found himself staring at the business end of a 9mm Makarov from a range of three feet. The man holding the pistol was Jack Back.

"Good to see you Jack. I didn't know the Company issued Soviet sidearms."

"This isn't a Company gun. It belongs to the Royal Secret Police. I'm just borrowing it. Get out slowly and keep your hands where I can see them at all times."

Black got out of the car. Jack kept the pistol pointed at him.

"Now remove your jacket slowly. Good. Pick up the gun with two fingers and throw it here."

Black did as he was told, throwing his Glock on the ground.

"Where's the stone Jack."

"All in good time. Where's the money."

"In the trunk."

"Good. Open it."

Black opened the trunk, making the suitcases visible.

"Take both suitcases out and open them."

He did, revealing the stacks of 50 and 100 dollar bills inside the suitcases.

"Now open the trunk of the Toyota."

He did this also.

"Start shoveling. Only with your left hand though. Keep your right hand behind your back at all times."

"It'll take a long time to do that with one hand."

"I don't have anything else planned for tonight. Do you."

Black started throwing the banknotes in a few stacks at a time.

"Tell me something Jack."

"Yes Priscilla Santa Claus does exist. I'm afraid I have bad news about God though."

"How come you didn't get blown up with the car."

"A good magician never reveals his tricks. However you've been a good boy so far so I'll indulge you. As soon as I turned around the corner I stopped the car and ran like hell. Figured you'd probably try to pull a fast one. Plus I knew you'd sick the hounddogs on my tail."

"So you would have ran away from five big ones."

"I had someone watching the car from a safe distance on the off chance that you were playing it straight. However I knew it was pretty unlikely that you would. Isn't it sad that there's no trust in the world anymore."

"So why get in the car in the first place."

"Well there was that one chance in a million that you actually would have done as you were told."

"In which case I would have been five million in the red and holding a worthless rock."

"Keep shoveling. I would have mailed the stone to you."

"Yeah right."

"There really is no trust left in the world. Oh tempura oh morays. Isn't that what the Romans used to say."

"I wouldn't know. I didn't go to Catholic school."

"Since we're sharing would you mind telling me what makes the stone worth ten million."

"It's a dilithium crystal."

"A what."

"A dilithium crystal. That's what they use to run the engines on the alien spaceship."

"So how come it's so precious."

"Dilithium doesn't exist in our solar system. The aliens left some behind on their last visit. The stone is from that stash. Scientists at Lawrence Livermore have figured out a way to harness its power. A power station running on that stone alone could provide as much electricity for fifty or sixty years as a dozen conventional nuclear reactors running on uranium."

"Where's the rest of the stash then."

"Nobody knows. That stone is the only crystal known to exist on Earth."

"If that's the case how come the spaceship hasn't been taken over already. The aliens must have a shitload of dilithium onboard if they're planning to sail that mother back to the other side of the universe."

"I've no idea. I wouldn't be surprised though if there were plans to do that. I'm not privy to every bit of information inside the US Government."

At that moment, Jack heard a noise coming from the Hotel end of the parking lot behind him. He turned to look and saw Suzy standing there. One of the CIA agents was standing behind her with his arm around her throat and pointing a gun at her head. Black stopped loading the money and got up.

"Well well. Isn't this a happy reunion."

"How did you find out about her."

"We're the goddamn CIA in case you forgot. Drop the gun."

Jack dropped the Makarov on the ground and brushed it with his foot towards Black. He did the same with Black's Glock. Black picked up both pistols, put the Makarov in his pocket and pointed the Glock at Jack.

"Where's the stone Jack."

"In my pocket."

"Get it out. Carefully."

Jack reached into his pocket and took out the stone. This time it was the genuine stone from Shannara. Black pointed at the boot of the Mercury with his Glock.

"Throw it in there."

Jack threw the stone in the boot.

"Now it's your turn to shovel. Don't bother with the suitcases. Just throw the money after the stone. Maybe we'll even get your girlfriend to help you."

Black motioned to the CIA agent who was holding Suzy hostage. They started walking towards the two cars. Once they reached the two, the agent shoved Suzy forward so strongly that she fell on her knees on the pile of money. Jack put his arms around her.

"Sorry about this Suzy."

"Don't worry Jack. Shit happens."

Black was quick to interrupt the tender moment.

"How about you two sweethearts keep on shovelin' the money. We ain't got all day."

Suzy and Jack started throwing the money into the boot of the Mercury. When there was no more money on the ground, they continued with the stacks that Black had thrown into the boot of the Toyota. It didn't take the two too long to finish the job.

"Well thank you Jack. And of course thank you to your lovely bride as well."

"Fuck you asshole."

"You should tell your bride to hold her tongue in the presence of gentlemen Jack. It's not proper for a lady to use such language."

"She was speaking for the both of us."

"I don't doubt that at all. But time flies. I'm afraid this is where we say good-bye."

Black pointed his Glock at Suzy. At that same instant, a black helicopter appeared from behind the hotel. A searchlight was quickly pointed at the four people on the ground. Someone addressed them using the helicopter's PA system.

"Drop down your weapons and raise your hands above your head. This is the Royal Secret Police. Do not try to escape."

Black pointed his Glock at the helicopter and got off a few rounds before a burst of machine gun bullets hit him and he fell down dead. The CIA agent who had been holding Suzy hostage dropped his gun and raised his hands in the air. The helicopter landed on the parking lot and three men in black combat uniforms got out. One of them snapped handcuffs on the CIA agent and started walking him back to the helicopter. The other two walked up to Jack and Suzy. They were Lieutenant Luigi Scoreggia and Junior Agent Marcello Finocchio, both of the KSPB.

Scoreggia pointed his Makarov at Jack.

"You're under arrest. Get up slowly. You too Miss."

"I had no idea that some day I'd be glad to hear those words."

Finocchio snapped handcuffs on them both.

"Before we go would you mind shutting the trunk of my car. I'd hate to lose the contents to vandals."

Finocchio slammed the boot of the Mercury shut and started to walk them towards the helicopter. The rotor blades turned wildly, raising a cloud of dust off the ground. The noise the helicopter made was remarkable. Suzy had to shout at the top of her lungs as they got closer.

"I've never been on a helicopter before."

"Enjoy the ride then."

The third KSPB agent was behind them, dragging the lifeless corpse of Richard Black along the asphalt. Once Suzy and Jack were sitting inside, Finocchio helped the agent put Black's remains in a bodybag and lift it into the helicopter. They were airborne as soon as the door slammed shut behind Finocchio.