Archive for December, 2009

Psychedelic Daffodils and the Blue Man Group

Matsya, first avatar of Vishnu

The original avatar

(Warning: contains spoilers.)

Terry Gilliam, the co-director of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, once famously said: “When maintaining a very low production standard you can get away with murder.”

The release of Avatar sees James Cameron finally reaping the rewards of relentlessly pursuing his personal Holy Grail for years and years. Up until recently he felt that technology was not worthy of being put to use in unfolding his opus magnificat. Times have changed, and the great auteur has graciously made his masterpiece available to the unwashed masses. Produced on a budget that, according to estimates, hovers somewhere between 300 and 500 million dollars, Avatar is pretty much the antithesis of what Terry Gilliam was talking about.

When you’ve got a really cool hammer, all the world had better be a nail

So, what did Cameron and his legion of CGI artists get away with? Let’s first take a look at the much-vaunted 3-D graphics. If only View-Master had come up with a motion picture version of their educational yet curiously entertaining toy, we would have had Avatar-like experiences 40 years ago. Not that there haven’t been any 3-D movies before Avatar, it’s just that for the most part they’ve been turkeys like Jaws III. Granted, the Avatar world does look plausible enough to be immersive, and there are lots of visually impressive scenes throughout the movie.

Unfortunately CGI is still struggling with realistic motion. Inertia is all but nonexistent, which is especially noticeable in flight. There are in fact no flying creatures in the movie, only winged lizards that swim through the air along impossible trajectories. I’m not buying the argument that this is an alien world where things work differently; I can suspend my disbelief to go with the floating mountains, but a leapin’ lizard moving through air does not glide along a straight path while only occasionally flapping its way too small wings for show, and definitely does not land gracefully without flaring under an Earth-like gravity. Many of the flight scenes felt like they’d been slapped on just so they could be recreated in the associated video game. The average gamer admittedly has somewhat more modest amounts of computing power at their disposal, so maybe the flight artists didn’t go all out on purpose, who knows.

I won’t even go into the “let’s-slap-some-Latex-on-their-foreheads” look of the alien race as popularized by Klingons on Star Trek all those years ago, except to maybe concede that the badass Marine colonel’s joke about chasing tail was actually kinda funny. I’ll also refrain from analyzing the flora and fauna too deeply — suffice it to say that any third-rate Advanced Dungeons & Dragons adventure pays more attention to the plausibility of those sorts of details. The only alien world cliché they missed was not having the planet orbit a double star.

Ignoring the visual candy for a moment, let’s take a look at the meat and bones of what makes a movie. You know, characters, story, the development thereof, acting, dialogue, that sort of stuff. Well, very little of any of that stuff makes a noticeable dent in the glossy armor of Avatar. Look, the 3-D graphics are pretty nifty, but that doesn’t excuse not including any of the above as well. Any decent movie made with real actors in a real environment has all that and much more, so just because a fortune was spent on renting supercomputer rendering time doesn’t mean that the other bits that maketh a movie can simply be glossed over. And no, “I’ll show them and get an even bigger bird!” doesn’t count as character development.


Cameron must have felt that he made Aliens so long ago that current audiences weren’t even born back then and therefore it’s OK to plunder from it. Gung-ho space Marines? Check. Hot chick as rough-as-guts Marine sergeant? Check. Paul Reiser (or, in this case, a look-alike) as soulless corporate bad guy? Check. Sigourney Weaver emerging from a pod, check, although 23 years and as many facelifts and Botox shots later, only in a supporting role, presumably to create continuity between the flogged-to-death Alien franchise and the new-and-improved Avatar franchise. Other flashback movies you may have seen include Jurassic Park, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (and, by extension, the Johnny-Depp-as-Michael-Jackson remake), Starship Troopers, and Doom the video game (possibly also the movie, which I haven’t seen).

In conclusion, even though it may sound like I hated Avatar, in actuality I’m just pissing in the production company’s pocket because any publicity, especially the free sort, can only serve to generate more money in the coffers of 20th Century Fox. Let’s just hope that James Cameron takes another 12 years to churn out his next epic.

Lions, Flowers, Monks and Old Ladies

Many moons ago, in another life in a galaxy far, far away, I used to practice karate. I did it for some time, attended a few gradings, and eventually attended a grading in the hope of being awarded the green belt. When the names were called out and I realized mine wasn’t one of them, my heart sank. I was somewhat surprised by my own reaction; after all, the belt is just there to hold your gi together. Anyway, it was the sensei’s call. A bit later on I stopped training and, as it turned out, wouldn’t see the inside of a dojo again for a number of years.


At one time before class, the sensei told two stories that have stayed with me ever since. Bear with me if I bungle up some of the details — these are stories that I heard exactly once more than ten years ago.

Running From the Lions

A man was being chased by a pride of lions. He ran for his life, but the lions were gaining on him. It was obvious that they would soon reach him. Also, he hadn’t noticed that he’d been running towards a cliff edge until he was at the ledge. He leaped off the ledge and fell. There were a few scrubs and small trees growing out of the cliff face. He managed to grab onto a branch and stop his fall.

Hanging in mid-air, the man noticed another pride of lions waiting for him on the ground below. He also noticed that there was a beautiful red flower growing on the cliff face. He leaned towards the flower to smell it. The branch creaked as if it was about to give.

As he inhaled and the fragrance filled his nostrils, he smiled and thought to himself: “What a lovely scent!”

Two Monks and an Old Lady

Two old monks were walking towards the town to get some supplies. The sky was grey; it was raining quite heavily.  As they reached the town, they saw that all the streets were muddy and flooded.

As part of their vows to become a monk, they’d promised that they would never touch a woman as long as they lived. An old lady was trying in vain to locate a dry spot to cross the street. One of the monks asked her if she’d accept assistance. She said yes, and the monk carried her across the street through the mud.

As they were heading back to the monastery, the other monk asked: “Don’t you remember what you promised when you became a monk? What has become of you?” The monk who helped the old lady said: “You’re still carrying her with you — I’m not.”


After a long break I eventually started practicing karate again, in a different country, in a different style. Last Sunday I graded to 6th kyu, or green belt.